On the morning of her father-in-law's death anniversary, Ms. Huong, 31 years old, in Hoa Binh ward, Phu Tho province, woke up when the alarm bell was just over 5 am. Her 3-year-old son was still fast asleep, and her husband was lying next to him, not yet able to return.
She tiptoed down to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator to check the items she had bought the night before, including some fruits, offerings, cakes, a ready-made chicken and a bunch of lotus flowers still with newspaper.
Since getting married, Ms. Huong has understood that there are holidays that are not listed red on the calendar but still make women in the house as busy as Tet.
Thanh Minh Tet, Doan Ngo Tet, small death anniversaries, big death anniversaries... every occasion adds a tray of offerings, a meal.
Last year, she once placed a tray of offerings outside. The tray was full, with sticky rice, chicken, sweet soup, and fruits. She thought it was neat, clean, and timely for work.
But my mother-in-law looked at the offering tray delivered to the door and sighed: "On my father-in-law's death anniversary, if my daughter-in-law can't cook a tray of offerings, what's going to happen?
That sentence was not harsh, but Huong remembers it forever.
She is not angry with her mother-in-law. She understands that for her grandmother, the death anniversary is the smell of sticky rice in the kitchen, the sound of knives and cutting boards from the morning, and the scene of children and grandchildren gathering and arranging in front of the altar.
But she was also self-pitying. Because the night before, she was just staying up to take care of her child with a fever, and was finishing the report to send to her boss.
In the morning, what she needed was probably not praise, but just a sentence: "So busy but still able to prepare the offering tray is good enough".
The pressure of being a daughter-in-law sometimes does not come from big things. It is within very small expectations, repeated throughout each holiday or death anniversary.
Women must remember what to worship today, what to buy, what time to burn incense, and arrange the tray in a "proper" way. If done thoughtfully, it is considered natural. If one item is missing, one hour late, placing things outside, that is what brides are criticized for.
It is worth mentioning that many young daughters-in-law do not want to abandon tradition at all. They still want to have a full moon offering tray, still want their children to know what a death anniversary is, still want to maintain the beautiful family habits.
But they also need to be recognized, women today work full-time, bear income pressure, take care of young children, take care of both sides of the family and still have to keep the house running smoothly.
Maintaining family tradition is precious. But family tradition should not become a burden placed solely on the shoulders of the daughter-in-law. The husband can go to the market with his wife, wipe the altar, and prepare offerings.
Mother-in-law can show her daughter-in-law the traditional dishes of the family instead of waiting for her to do something wrong and then giving advice. Other family members can also go to the kitchen together, instead of considering it a "woman's job," Ms. Huong said.
