Likes to sit in the basement because no one needs anything from me there
After work at 6 pm, Nam usually arrives at the apartment building before 7 pm but does not go upstairs immediately. He turns off the engine, sits alone in the car for about half an hour, because above is the meal, the sound of his child crying and a series of small things, he increasingly feels that he no longer has the strength to accept.
At 6:47 PM, Nam drove into the basement, parked in the familiar place and then turned off the engine.
But you didn't open the door.
The 36-year-old man leaned his chair, listened to some music or just sat still. At about 7:15 pm, he just stepped on the elevator to the 17th floor.
This started more than half a year ago.
Nam has been married for 8 years, has two children, one 6 years old and one nearly 3 years old. During the day, he works as a business manager, regularly holds meetings, calls, and handles customers. But there are days when the thing that makes him most tired is thinking about opening the house.
Up there, his wife had picked up the two children, preparing dinner. The younger one was fussy, the older one needed his father to check his papers. The wife also took the opportunity to ask about tuition fees, broken washing machines, weekends going to the paternal or maternal grandparents' house. Nothing too big. It's just that they usually come at the same time.
One day, just stepping into the door, Nam heard his wife say: "Please change clothes and bathe the baby for me.
The older one ran out to ask for homework. The younger one clung to his feet demanding to be held. The work phone was still ringing.
Nam angrily said: "I just got home, can I rest for a while?
After a few times like that, he chose to sit in the car before going upstairs.
Initially only 5, 10 minutes. Then it became 20 minutes, then more than half an hour. Nam thought he was doing something beneficial: it's better to sit still and calm down than to bring annoyance to the house.
In the early days, that method worked. He got less irritable.
But the wife began to realize that her husband had returned to the apartment building a long time ago and had not yet returned. One evening, she called: "Where are you?".
Underground".
How long have you been home?
About half an hour.
The other end of the line is silent for a few seconds.
You'd rather sit there alone than come upstairs with me and my children?
The question made Nam start to look back. One day the road was very clear, he still ran slower. One day he had been sitting for half an hour, he tried to read another news bulletin, answering a few urgent messages.
I realized I liked sitting in the basement because no one needed anything from me there," he said.
Everyone needs a transition
According to psychologists, Nam's habit is not uncommon but also very common in many people, especially middle-aged people who have families after rush hour. It can start from a completely reasonable need: Need a transition between work and family.
After many hours of constantly reacting to other people's requests, a person may need 10-20 minutes without being asked, called, or assigned more work. That break is not worrying if they actually return to their family afterwards.
The problem arises when the break brings a feeling so comfortable that people start using it to avoid it.
“Under the car, Nam immediately escaped the sound of his child crying, housework and questions to answer. The brain easily learns that just delaying going upstairs reduces stress. But what is resolved is only the feeling of those few minutes, and the cause of overload is still there”.
More ironically, Nam sat down because he wanted to go upstairs with a better mood, but the wife could understand that absence in the opposite direction: "The husband is avoiding me and leaving the last part of the day for his wife.
Psychologists say that this is the time when "letting go to recover" can become "avoiding to avoid facing".
Nam's wife also gradually changed. Before, she often waited for her husband to have dinner. Later, she fed her children first, and decided on small things herself.
One day Nam came home late, saw that the kitchen had been finished. He asked: "Why didn't you wait for me?". His wife replied: "I thought you needed to be at peace.
Nam's words made him even more disappointed than the times he was blamed.
After many days of thinking, he believes that the solution is not necessarily to completely skip the break. The couple can agree on a clear "cushion", for example, 15 minutes after returning home without discussing difficulties, then the person who just took a break takes the initiative to take back their work.
Recently, Nam tried to text his wife in advance: "Today, I'm a bit overloaded. Come upstairs, let me shower and rest for 15 minutes, then I'll take care of the baby for you".
He still needed a quiet space. The only difference was that it was no longer in the locked car in the basement.
