On Saturday afternoon, Ms. Nguyen Thi Minh Anh (36 years old, in Hanoi) stopped by her mother's house after nearly two busy weeks.
As soon as she entered the door, she heard her mother scold: "You have your own family now, even if I call you, you can only say a few words.
That sentence made her somewhat uncomfortable. She thought she was still fulfilling her duty, sending monthly living expenses, ordering blood pressure medication for her mother, hiring hourly helpers, and taking her grandchild over to play on weekends when she was free.
But during that meal, seeing her mother eating very slowly, talking a lot about old things and asking back and forth about the things she had answered, Minh Anh realized: "Mom is not lacking in material things, but it seems like she is very lonely.
In many urban families, children only realize that their parents are different when they become self-pitying, easily angry, sensitive to unintentional words or constantly call at the time when their children are most busy.
There are mothers who used to be resourceful and decisive, now just because their children don't come home for dinner, they are sad all week. There is a father who used to be the pillar of the family, after retirement, he suddenly became taciturn, irritable, and spent the whole day around the TV.
Those expressions are sometimes viewed by children with impatience: "Parents are old and too difficult", "saying but still not hearing", "even small things are made big". But behind that "difficulty" may be the fear of being left behind.
For the elderly, retirement is not just stopping a job. It is also a change of position in the family and society.
From decision-makers, they gradually become people who are "asked for show", "informed in the end". From having colleagues every day, meeting schedules, and work to do, they enter long days with a lot of space.
Mr. Hung (68 years old), who used to be an official of the natural resources and environment sector (formerly) in Ha Tinh, said that what he feared most was not illness, but the feeling that he was "no longer necessary".
Both children live separately, only returning on weekends. Every time his children come, he wants to tell stories about the neighborhood, health, old acquaintances. But his children often listen and watch the phone.
They still love me, but I feel like I'm talking to my child's back more than talking to her eyes," he said.
The difficulty is that many young people are not prepared to be friends with their parents when their parents get older. When they are young, children are used to being cared for by their parents. When they grow up, children are busy taking care of their own families. When their parents are weaker and more vulnerable, children are confused between love and fatigue.
Mr. Hung confided: "Sometimes I just need my children to call home every day, talk to their parents without complaining of being busy because of work calls interrupting, so I am very happy.
Ms. Minh Anh, after being blamed by her mother, set a fixed "schedule" with her mother on Wednesday evenings every week. Not discussing money or medicine, the two mothers and daughters only talked. Sometimes it was old-fashioned food. Sometimes it was the time her mother just started working. Sometimes, the two just sat and watched old photos on their phones again.
I realized that my mother doesn't need me to solve everything. There are times when my mother just needs me to sit still and listen to the whole story.
Old age for parents is a sensitive period, but also an opportunity for children to learn how to love again. When we were young, we needed parents to be patient with repeated questions. One day, parents also needed us to be patient like that," she said.
