Before returning to meet his girlfriend's family, what Quan (48 years old) was most worried about was not whether her parents would accept the age gap between the two.
I'm worried about how I'll call them.
His girlfriend is Ngoc (21 years old). Her father is 46 years old, her mother is 44 years old. Meaning that the man he is about to meet as "boyfriend's father" is two years younger than him, and her mother is four years younger than him.
Calling uncle or aunt is clearly not okay because I am older. Calling brother or sister is the right age but sounds like friends. Calling parents means we are not married yet, I myself also find it too early," Mr. Quan said.
On the way home, Ngoc reassured her boyfriend that it was natural. But the phrase "just be natural" did not help him find any natural pronoun.
When they arrived at the door, Ngoc's father came out to greet them. The two had known each other's age before, so they were confused for a few seconds.
Anh Quan greeted: "Hello... family".
Ngoc's father smiled and invited her into the house.
Throughout the meal, Mr. Quan tried every way to say it without having to call directly. Instead of "do you want more beer?", he just asked: "Do you want a little more?". Wanting to thank his girlfriend's mother for the dish, he said: "This dish is so delicious". The word "ạ" became something that helped him overcome nearly two hours without needing to determine where he was standing.
His lover soon recognized him. On the way home, she asked: "Why didn't you call my parents today?". Anh Quan replied: "Because I don't know how to call them". Ngoc laughed but then couldn't give the answer.
Calling "brother and sister" or calling "parents"?
Unlike when married, the dating period does not create a clear role between the child's lover and parents.
With a normal couple, young people can call their lover's parents aunt, uncle, uncle depending on age and family choice. But Quan's case is reversed: He is older than both of them.
If called "older brother, older sister", the age gap is reflected quite naturally, but the relationship becomes similar to peers. If called "father, mother", future relationships are pushed up too quickly when the two are not yet married.
What surprised Mr. Quan was that Ngoc's parents were also embarrassed. After a few meetings, her father jokingly told his daughter that he didn't know what to say to her boyfriend.
Calling "nephew" is even more unreasonable because the person opposite is older than you. Calling "em" is also not right. Calling "anh" creates the feeling that you are talking to a friend, while this is someone who is in love with your daughter.
Once when the two of them were sitting drinking coffee together, Ngoc's father started: "This soldier...", and from then on almost only called out his name. That way of calling gradually became the safest option.
Anh Quan is the same. He calls his girlfriend's parents by name or avoids the subject when possible, but always maintains a polite way of speaking.
After a few meetings, I realized the difficulty is not who is older than whom. The difficulty is that we do not have a relationship clear enough to know which role to put each other in," he said.
A period of time without perfect calling
For Ngoc, initial addressing was just a fun detail in the relationship. But later on, she realized it reflected a larger situation: When her lover is older than her parents, the conventions that naturally occur in other families suddenly had to be renegotiated. She once suggested that her boyfriend call her parents "anh chi" (older brothers and sisters) to make it easier to talk. Quan tried once and then left.
Calling it that way is appropriate age, but I feel like I and her father are in the same role. While even though I'm not married yet, I still know this is the father of the person I love," he said.
After that, Ngoc told him to just call "parents" if they had decided to be serious with each other. He still felt it was not okay. "Being called parents before getting married, I feel like confirming a relationship that the two sides have not officially had," he said.
In the end, they did not set a rule. When speaking directly, Quan mainly called his name or removed pronouns. When talking to his girlfriend, he called "my dad", "my mom". Ngoc's parents also called him by name instead of trying to identify him as "anh", "em" or "con".
That way is not perfect but at least makes all three sides less tense.
And at present, he has not yet called his girlfriend's parents "parents". Not because of lack of respect, but because between "older brothers and sisters" and "parents", he has not yet found a call that makes both the speaker and the listener feel truly natural.
