Divorce closes a marriage, but does not close the role of father and mother. In fact, many children are not hurt by parents' separation, but by the way adults continue to treat each other afterwards. Hate, badmouthing, tense silence or dragging children into adult conflicts all leave long-lasting psychological scratches.
So after the divorce, how should parents treat their "ex" so that their children do not become victims?
Keep boundaries clear, respect each other's parenting roles
The first important thing is to clearly distinguish between a marriage that has ended and parental responsibility that remains. Even if the marriage is unsuccessful, each person is still the other half of the child's origin. Denying, belittling, or attacking the ex in front of the child is synonymous with hurting the child.
Many parents unconsciously vent their anger on their children with seemingly "burning anger" words: "Your father is irresponsible", "Your mother is nothing". But for children, it is a direct blow to their sense of security and self-esteem. Children do not know who to stand for, only know pain and confusion.
Dr. Joan Kelly, clinical psychologist, divorce and parenting expert in the US, emphasized: "Children develop healthier when they are allowed to love both parents without feeling guilty. Conflict between parents after divorce is more harmful to children than divorce itself.
Respecting an ex is not about returning or removing old hurt, but about maintaining a civilized way of behaving, not turning children into listeners, not forcing children to choose their side.
Cooperate for children, do not use children as a tool of retaliation
Another common mistake is using children as a "lever" in a post-divorce relationship: obstructing visits, manipulating children's emotions, or taking advantage of children to put pressure on exes. These behaviors can satisfy adults' immediate emotions, but leave serious consequences for children.
Children living in an environment where parents confront each other often experience prolonged feelings of insecurity, are prone to anxiety, silence, or negative behaviors. Many studies show that children who experience prolonged conflict after divorce are at risk of developing emotional problems and relationships in adulthood.
According to Dr. Robert Emery, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia (USA), author of many research papers on post-divorce families, what children need is not a perfect family, but "adults who know how to control their emotions and cooperate for the long-term benefit of their children".
Cooperation here is reflected in very specific things: unifying parenting methods, respecting children's visit schedules, exchanging information about children's studies and health with a calm attitude, without personal attacks.
Divorce is already a loss. But how parents behave afterwards will determine that loss becomes a wound or a lesson of maturity for children. When adults are brave enough to put their children's interests above personal hurt, children will learn how to love healthily, even if the family is no longer intact.
