At lunchtime in an apartment in Thanh Sen ward, Ha Tinh province, the atmosphere suddenly became suffocating. The 5-year-old child was running around the room while being persistently chased by his grandmother, carrying a bowl of porridge to feed each spoonful.
At the dining table, the young mother suppressed a sigh, reminding: "Mom, let me sit at the table, if I don't eat, then don't let me eat around like that.
Grandma stopped and reacted immediately: "In the old days, I raised my older siblings, none of them sat still in one place but still grew up and became healthy. Children must be able to eat to have strength, why bother with books!
The mother silently turned away. There was no scolding, but an invisible distance had just been stretched.
Ms. Tran Mai Anh (30 years old, office worker in Ha Tinh), shared: "Since giving birth to my first child, my biggest pressure has not been work but harmonizing how to raise children with my mother-in-law. My mother loves her grandchild in a protective and pampering way. I want to train my child to be independent according to scientific methods. Many times when I give advice, I am afraid that my mother will be angry and say'rely on high education and disregard the experience of the elderly', and if I don't speak, my heart will be burning.
According to Ms. Mai Anh, with the previous generation, the experience drawn from the reality of shortages of the old years is "just eating is good", "being fat is healthy", "must be warm is not sick". That is an instinctive and traditional protection.
Conversely, young parents today approach parenting through a scientific lens. They read books, follow psychologists and focus on internal development: active living habits, self-reliance and limiting negative impacts from technology devices.
The difference in thinking leads to a situation where children are prone to falling into the "every person has their own rules" situation. Living with grandmother, they can watch the phone and eat around; living with mother, they have to sit at a table and turn off the screen.
This lack of consistency makes children confused, even early forming the habit of "looking at" adults to demand, and finding more easy-going people to circumvent the law.
According to psychologist Mai Viet Duc - Nhan Hoa Viet Psychological Counseling and Therapy Center, conflicts between two generations in childcare are very common, especially in the context that young families still need the support of grandparents to go to work.
The issue is not to distinguish who is right and who is wrong completely. Grandparents have experience, parents have updated knowledge. However, if each person keeps their own way and argues in front of children, the child will be the most disadvantaged. Children need a consistent environment to form a sense of security and good habits," the expert analyzed.
Also according to experts, the key to resolving conflicts is not confrontation but information. Parents should choose comfortable times to share new knowledge with grandparents from the perspective of "commonly updating", instead of completely denying the old way of doing things.
Unifying "golden" principles (such as eating time, TV viewing time, how to handle when children cry) is mandatory to avoid overlap.
In multi-generational families, respect and listening between members are more important than who wins in a debate. Don't let the bowl of porridge or the phone become emotional barriers between people with the same goal of loving a child," Mr. Duc emphasized.
