You choose your mother. I'm tired of always having to stand behind your mother.
Linh said that one evening, when the two of us argued about renting a house to live separately after getting married. I sat still, not knowing how to answer. Nearly 3 years of dating, this is the first time she has mentioned breaking up decisively.
My name is Minh, 30 years old, living and working in Ho Chi Minh City. I have a stable job, can take care of myself and always think that I am a person who knows how to take responsibility for my family.
It's just that I have a habit that I only realize now that has made my lover sad many times: I want to ask my mother's opinion on everything.
I grew up in a family with only my mother and me. My father died early, my mother raised me alone. From a young age, I was used to having my mother by my side in important decisions.
From buying a car, transferring jobs to major expenses, I shared everything with my mother. When I loved Linh, that habit did not change.
Initially, Linh was quite sympathetic. She understood my situation and also liked my mother. But when the two of us started thinking about getting married, differences gradually appeared.
Linh wants to rent a private apartment after marriage. For her, that is a way for the two of them to have private space and get used to family life.
I also find that reasonable. But when telling my mother, she was a little sad.
I raised you so much, now you get married and move out, leaving me alone?
I didn't know what to say. Finally, I told Linh that this matter should probably be considered further.
She didn't argue, just kept silent.
A few days later, Linh told me that she didn't want me to have to choose between my mother and my girlfriend. What she wanted was that when I got married, I could make decisions related to our lives.
I heard it but it hasn't really changed.
Once Linh came to my house for dinner, the story of the wedding and later life was mentioned. My mother asked us how much we had saved, and how we planned to organize the wedding.
Then, my mother said: "Later, keep a portion of your salary separately, and let me keep the rest for you. You two are young, you don't know how to calculate.
Linh just kept silent.
On the way home, she asked me: "Did you find me awkward at that time?
I replied that my mother was only worried about me.
Linh was not angry. She just said: "I know my mother loves you. But I also want you to be able to listen to me about our affairs too.
That sentence made me think.
At a meeting with friends, my love story was accidentally mentioned. A close friend smiled and said: "He is 30 years old and asks his mother about everything. His girlfriend calling him mama boy is not unfair either.
Everyone laughed, I also laughed along. But on the way home, that sentence kept lingering in my head.
I started to remember many things that seemed very normal.
My mother once called to ask me where I was when I went out with Linh. Once, she wanted me to come home early even though I was attending my girlfriend's birthday party. The times we argued, I also told my mother and listened to her advice.
I used to think that was how I got close to my mother.
But perhaps, Linh saw something different: in matters that should only be discussed by two people, I still have a habit of finding someone to decide for me.
The night Linh said "You choose your mother", she left the house. I didn't run after her.
For the first time, I sat alone and wondered if after getting married, would my wife feel that small family decisions always need another opinion?
The next morning, I called my mother. I said that after getting married, I would still regularly come home, take care of and accompany my mother, but I wanted my husband and I to have our own lives.
Mom was silent for a moment and then asked: "Is it because of you that you changed?
I replied: "No, because I'm 30 years old.
It's a very simple sentence, but it's not easy for me to say.
I don't know if Linh will come back or not. But after that conversation, I understood that filial piety does not necessarily mean following all the wishes of parents.
Sometimes, maturity is knowing how to decide your own life, and at the same time still finding another way to be with the person who raised you.
I also no longer think about choosing my mother or choosing my boyfriend.
Perhaps what I need to learn is to know how to love my mother properly, so that that care does not accidentally become a distance between me and the person I want to build a family with.
