After getting married, many couples face the choice of living separately or living with their parents. However, according to experts, the important thing is not whether to live separately or together, but to choose a suitable model and set the necessary boundaries.
Ms. Nguyen Hoang Anh - a psychological consultant at Voice of Therapist Office - believes that the desire to live separately does not necessarily mean that young people do not want to be close to their parents, but may be a need to decide for themselves and build their own family.
If husband and wife have opposing views on living with their parents, expert Hoang Anh recommends not arguing in the direction of "your parents" or "your parents", because this approach easily turns the housing issue into a conflict between the two families.
Instead, the two should look at each other's needs and actual conditions to find common ground. The couple can discuss the reasons why one person wants to live together while the other wants to live separately, what worries each person, as well as the actual benefits of each option.
According to experts, before deciding to live with parents, couples should not just ask "do we live together or not", but need to discuss specifically "if we live together, how will we live?".
First, private space. Husband and wife need to agree on the bedroom, private time and privacy.
Second, housework. The two sides need to distinguish who does what, how far grandparents support and which tasks are still the responsibility of husband and wife.
Third, finance. The two need to agree on living expenses, each person's contribution level and which amounts need to be exchanged with parents.
Fourth, raising children. Couples need to determine the level of support from grandparents and which decisions belong to the child's parents.
Fifth, decision-making power. Husband and wife should agree on issues that grandparents can contribute to and issues that husband and wife need to decide for themselves.
Sixth, how to handle conflicts. When disagreements occur between husband or wife and parents of both sides, husband and wife need to have a unified way of exchanging to avoid pushing conflicts higher.
Expert Hoang Anh emphasized that these principles are directly related to family boundaries and the demarcation of roles between generations.
Living together is not scary if everyone knows how to respect boundaries; living separately does not automatically mean marriage will be happy. A multi-generational family can be very happy if there is support but without control, close but still having private space, and loving but not replacing each other's decision-making power," the expert emphasized.
Finally, the decision to live together or separate should not be made solely based on "whose family is more well-off", but needs to consider both mental health, self-reliance needs, characteristics of each member and the ability to set boundaries of the whole family.
