Money is not bad, silence about money is dangerous
In many Vietnamese families, money matters between husband and wife are often defined as "family matters". The husband goes to work and gives money to his wife to keep, the wife takes care of the market, children, domestic and foreign affairs. That model used to operate quite well in many traditional families, when economic roles and care roles were divided relatively clearly.
But life today is different. Women go to work, have income, have careers. Men are no longer just people who "earn money" in the old sense. Increased living costs, housing pressure, children's education, taking care of both parents, borrowing from banks, insurance, investment, personal consumption... make family finance a real "management problem".
The problem is that many couples enter marriage with many expectations about love, but very few serious conversations about money.
Who keeps the money? Who pays for the rent? How is the money given to both parents calculated? How much is a spending item to discuss with each other? Is prenuptial debt considered a common responsibility? If one person is unemployed, how long does the other person bear it? Those questions sound dry, but touch the very real part of marriage.
Money does not make marriage worse. It is the ambiguity, avoidance and lack of fairness in money that makes marriage tiring.
When the person holding the money is also under pressure
In many families, the wife is often the one who keeps the money, taking care of daily expenses. Outwardly, it seems to be "financial power". But behind the power to keep money is sometimes great pressure.
The cashier must calculate each item: food money, tuition, electricity and water money, medicine money, funeral and wedding money, money to go home, car repair money, surcharges. There are months when income has not returned but expenses are already lined up in front of the door. If not careful, the cashier is easily accused of being "difficult", "stubborn", "always talking about money".
Conversely, the person who gives money also has their own resentment. Some people feel that they make money but do not know where the money goes. Some people want a separate fund to communicate, help their paternal and maternal families or serve personal needs but are reluctant to speak out. Gradually, from not daring to tell the truth, many people choose to establish "black funds".
The "black fund" in the family sometimes does not start from betrayal, but from a feeling of lack of freedom and lack of being listened to. However, when there is financial secret, trust is very easily damaged. A hidden amount of money may be small, but the feeling of being hidden is not small at all.
Modern marriage needs fairness, not equality
Financial fairness in marriage does not mean that husband and wife have to contribute equally every penny. Because income, health, work and circumstances of each person are not the same.
There are times when husband earns more, wife takes care of young children more. There are periods when wife has a stable income, husband starts a business or loses his job. There are families where one person works outside, the other takes on most housework, takes care of children, takes care of elderly parents. If you only look at salary to evaluate contributions, marriage will be very unfair to unpaid laborers in the family.
A person at home taking care of children does not mean "not making money". They are taking on a very large part of the costs for the family: caring for, teaching, keeping the rhythm of life, maintaining the family home. Conversely, people who work to earn money also need to share the pressure of making a living, instead of defaulting to "that is an obvious responsibility".
Fairness in marriage is therefore not about splitting bills in half, but about seeing each other's contributions.
There should be "common money", but also "private funds
A family that wants to be sustainable needs a common budget. That is the amount for common responsibilities: house, children, food, health, insurance, funerals, savings, provisions. The common money helps husband and wife look in the same direction, together know what the family has, what is missing, and what priorities need to be.
But besides common money, each person should also have a reasonable separate amount. The separate amount is not to hide, but to maintain personal autonomy. An adult needs to have the right to buy a book, drink a cup of coffee, give to parents, meet friends, take care of himself without always being in the mindset of "asking permission".
It is important that that separate amount must be agreed upon on the principle of transparency. For example, after contributing to the general budget and savings, each person has a personal expense corresponding to the financial capacity of the family. Once agreed upon, do not control each other to the point of suffocation.
Marriage is not a place where one person becomes a "major accountant", and the other becomes an "audited person". Marriage is the companionship of two adults.
