Annoyed living together all day
At 7 am, Mr. Thanh just sat down at the dining table and asked his wife: "Why did you buy banh mi today, not cook pho like yesterday?
Ten minutes ago, he suggested that she had brewed too thick coffee. Before that, he asked why he turned on the washing machine when there was only half a bag of clothes.
He retired three months ago and I feel like I just married another manager home," said Ms. Hanh, 59 years old.
Before retiring, Mr. Thanh worked as a technician for a business in Hanoi. For more than 30 years, he left home from morning, only returning in the late afternoon. Ms. Hanh retired two years before her husband, used to going to the market, cooking, meeting friends and arranging everything in the house herself.
On her husband's day off, she was happy because she thought the two would finally have time together. But in just a few weeks, the joy turned into trivial arguments.
He wanted to go to the market with his wife, asking why not buy vegetables somewhere cheaper. She cooked, he stood next to her and suggested spices. Seeing his wife preparing to go out, he asked where she went, with whom, and what time she would return.
He thought he was caring and sharing after many years of being busy. She felt like she was losing her private space.
Before he went to work, I expected my husband to be home for the weekend. Now sometimes I just want him to be out for a few hours," she said.
One wants to go with, one just wants to be alone
Ms. Phuong's house, 61 years old, happened in the opposite direction.
She retired three years after her husband, once imagining the life ahead as mornings walking, afternoons drinking tea, occasionally traveling together, visiting children and grandchildren.
But Mr. Minh has his own rhythm of life: going to the park in the morning, returning home to take care of trees, playing badminton every two afternoons, meeting old friends on weekends.
When she was working, Ms. Phuong found that schedule normal. When she retired, she began to be uncomfortable.
One morning, seeing her husband changing his shoes and preparing to go out, she asked: "You go out every day, can't you stay home with me for a day?".
Mr. Minh said that his wife's retirement does not mean he has to give up the activities he has maintained for many years. Mrs. Phuong was disappointed because she once thought this was the time for the two of them to make up for the years of being engrossed in work.
The more she wanted her husband to be by her side, the more she asked him where he went, what time he would be back. Mr. Minh wanted to go out even more.
Later I understood that I quit my job but unintentionally wanted him to quit his own private life too," Ms. Phuong said.
The two people only reduced stress when they agreed to walk together for a few mornings, and spend time with their families on weekends. Other times, each person has their own business.
Before I was busier and argued less
Mr. Dung, 63 years old, and Mrs. Lan, 60 years old, in Da Nang, once thought they were very compatible. For more than 30 years of living together, the two rarely argued loudly.
Troubles after retirement come from very small things.
Mr. Dung has a habit of turning on the TV right after waking up, Mrs. Lan likes quiet mornings. He wants to have an early lunch, she is used to eating after 12 pm. She wants to come over to take care of her grandchild on the weekend, he just wants to stay home and read the newspaper.
When they were working, those differences rarely bumped into each other. When they were both at home, they appeared from morning to night. Sometimes just because of the air conditioner, the two people were angry with each other almost all day: he turned it on when he felt hot, she turned it off when she felt cold.
I once asked why in the past I was both working and raising children, so much pressure but even less arguing than now," Ms. Lan recounted.
After a while, the two changed their way of life. In the morning, Mr. Dung went for coffee with friends, Mrs. Lan stayed at home to exercise. In the afternoon, she went to club activities, and he took care of his own work. The two still had dinner together and spent time with his children and grandchildren.
A few hours apart each day, something that seems unnecessary after retirement, makes them feel better when they come back together.
When eight hours of work disappear
The above three situations show a paradox after retirement: many couples used to lack time for each other, but when they suddenly have too much time together, they have to learn how to create private space.
For decades, work has divided the rhythm of life of the two people into quite clear parts. Each person has their own schedule, colleagues, relationships and husband and wife are usually only really together at some point in the day. When eight or ten hours of work disappear, differences in habits, housework, friends or the need to be alone are also easier to reveal.
No one is necessarily wrong. The problem begins when each person assumes that their lifestyle must also be the lifestyle of their partner.
Therefore, experts believe that retirement is also the time when husband and wife need to "negotiate" their common life: housework, time to take care of grandchildren, common activities and private spaces.
The important thing is not to be together as much as possible, but to find a new rhythm of life so that the two people are still close without feeling constrained.
