A family story that is causing many thoughts: The husband is upset when his wife goes to work, saves money and often gives it to her parents and supports her older brother. It is worth mentioning that this older brother has a family, but does not want to work stably, lives dependently, plays around, and leaves economic responsibility to others.
The husband is not only angry because of losing money. What hurts him more is the feeling of being underestimated in his own marriage. Money earned during marriage, if it is a common source of income, cannot be arbitrarily decided by one party as absolute private property. Even if the wife is the one who directly earns that amount of money, when there is a family, using a large amount of money without exchanging it makes the other person feel that they are not a partner, but just a person standing outside of all important decisions.
Filial piety to parents is precious. But filial piety does not mean taking the assets, labor, and future of a small family to take responsibility for another adult.
Parents in difficulty, sick, needing care is one thing. Older brothers who have families but are lazy to work and spend irresponsibly is another thing. If they continue to provide unconditional support, that help may no longer be love, but inadvertently become a way to nurture dependence.
A small family that wants to be sustainable needs clear boundaries with both sides of the family. The wife has the right to love her parents, love her siblings. The husband is also like that. But neither of them can harm the stability of the current family because of their original family.
Many marital conflicts do not erupt because of poverty, but because of lack of transparency. One person saves every penny to take care of houses, children, pay debts, and prepare for illness; the other secretly withdraws money to support relatives. When discovered, the answer is usually: "That's my parents", "That's my brother", "The money I made". Those words sound reasonable, but in marriage, they can easily become a cut in the self-esteem of your partner.
Because marriage cannot operate with the mindset "my money, my family, my loved ones". If so, where will the common family stand?
The husband in this story needs to be viewed from a legitimate emotional perspective. What he needs is not for his wife to completely stop helping his parents, but for a serious dialogue: how much support each month, support in what cases, who really needs help, which amount must be agreed upon before spending.
The wife also needs to understand that kindness, if lacking limits, will easily turn into a burden for herself and her small family. Helping loved ones is righteous, but helping to the point of making the husband lose faith, the family stressed, and future plans affected is no longer a beautiful sacrifice. That is an imbalance.
Kindness in marriage lies not only in knowing how to help loved ones, but also in knowing how to protect your partner's sense of security. A wife who loves her parents is precious. But a wife who respects her husband, is financially transparent and puts the small family in the center is also equally important.
Conversely, the husband also needs to clearly distinguish between opposing the abuse and prohibiting his wife from showing filial piety. If his wife's parents are really in difficulty, sick, and need children to help, the husband should share with his wife within his ability. But if that money flows into the playfulness, laziness, and reliance of an adult older brother, then setting limits is necessary.
Helping loved ones is good. But helping but hurting your partner, shaking your small family, then you need to stop to see clearly: is that still love, or has it become unfairness?
