In the evening, the small level 4 house in the border mountain town of Lang Son is still brightly lit. Ms. Le Thi M. (37 years old) sits at the study table, patiently reciting the math problem to her 7-year-old rieng daughter.
In the bedroom, her 2-year-old son, the common child of her and her current lover, was fast asleep.
Recently, Ms. M. and Mr. T. (current lover) often argue. Not because of money or jealousy, but revolving around a sensitive issue of how to treat common and private children.
She shared: "He said I favor private children, but I see that he only really cares about common children, whenever he mentions children, no one is willing to give way to anyone.
According to psychologist Mai Viet Duc - Nhan Hoa Viet Center for Counseling and Psychological Therapy, this is a very common conflict in relationships after breakups and is also the reason why many women hesitate before a second marriage.
Expert Mai Viet Duc believes that single women no longer love with naivety as before. They love with the experience of being hurt, with the fear of repeating old mistakes and especially the responsibility of being a mother.
Love still exists, but faith is no longer intact. When having children, women do not allow themselves to'bet' on emotions like the first time," he analyzed.
In relationships with common children - separate children, the biggest psychological risk is not in adults, but in children.
When old relationships have not been completely closed, children are very easily drawn into adult conflicts, becoming weaknesses in disputes or being put on the scales of comparison.
Children live in a tense atmosphere, listening to words that are not for them. Gradually, children develop feelings of insecurity, guilt, and even think that their existence is the cause of conflict," expert Mai Viet Duc warned.
For many mothers, the first reflex when conflicts arise is to choose to remain silent. Not because they are weak, but because they are afraid that those conflicts will leave a mark in their children's psychology.
According to experts, the mother prioritizing her child's mental safety over personal emotions is a completely normal reaction.
After becoming a mother, the value system changes. Personal happiness is no longer alone. Every decision is considered through the question: is this harmful to children?", Mr. Duc said. This is not blind sacrifice, but a natural protection mechanism.
Prolonged conflicts between adults, especially related to common children - rieng children or exes, can leave deep but silent effects in young children.
Children may withdraw, worry, fear losing loved ones; or vice versa, become resistant, aggressive. The most dangerous thing is when children grow up in a stressful environment but are not clearly explained, thereby forming a misguided belief that love always comes with suffering.
According to expert Mai Viet Duc, mothers should continue the relationship when a man respects boundaries, is willing to accompany both common and private children, does not compete in love and has stable behavior.
Conversely, you should stop when your child shows signs of fear, changes in negative behavior for a long time, or when the conflict is beyond control.
No love is worthwhile if you have to trade off the child's mental safety," the expert emphasized.
Returning to the small house, Ms. M. gently pulled the blanket for her daughter before turning off the lights: "Maybe I'm not ready to move on. But if so, I want my daughter to enter a new family with a sense of security, not with fear.
