Every time I go home, I tell myself, don't go back next time. But in Ho Chi Minh City for a few months, I miss home again. Coming back, I feel suffocated again.
Mr. Le Hoang Phuc, 31 years old, from Lam Dong, working in Ho Chi Minh City, said this after returning home for 4 days. The trip was originally considered a vacation to rest, but when he returned to the city, it took Phuc nearly a week to get rid of the feeling of fatigue.
In his hometown, he did not have a real day off. The first morning, just arriving home, Phuc heard his mother ask about work and money and then switched to getting married. In the afternoon, relatives called him over for dinner. In the evening, his father reminded him that the house was deteriorating and asked his son when he would consider going home.
Those stories are not new. Phuc has heard them for many years, but every time he comes home, he still feels uncomfortable.
In Ho Chi Minh City, I live alone, deciding everything myself. When I got home, I became a 31-year-old child again, but I was still asked where I went today, when I got married, how much I earned this month," Phuc said.
He once tried to explain that his job was stable, family matters were not in a hurry. But the more he explained, the longer the story became.
Once, during dinner, my mother asked when Phuc would bring his girlfriend home to meet him. He said he didn't have a girlfriend yet. My mother was silent for a moment and then mentioned the peers around the house who had settled down and compared Phuc to them.
At that time, I just wanted to get up and go outside," Phuc recounted.
What makes Phuc even more confused is that he cannot blame his parents, nor does he know how to explain it.
He understood that these questions stemmed from worry. Parents in the countryside only hoped for their son to have a stable family. But the more asked, the more he felt that his life was being put on the scales.
Phuc started avoiding crowded meals. Some days he used the excuse of being tired to stay home, but at home he listened to his parents talk about the future.
In the city, I feel lonely. Back in my hometown, I feel like I am no longer myself," he said.
That is also the reason why every time he prepares to return to his hometown, Phuc often feels both hopeful and scared.
I hope because I haven't seen my parents for a long time, I'm afraid because I know I will have to face a series of questions without answers.
The most recent trip home, Phuc decided to stay for another day because his mother said it had been a long time since his son had returned. But on the fourth day, he proactively bought a ticket back to Ho Chi Minh City earlier than planned.
In the car, Phuc did not feel as relieved as he thought.
He opened his phone and saw a message from his mother: "Come home and text mom".
Phuc didn't answer immediately.
At that time, I was both angry and felt guilty. I didn't want to go home because I was tired, but when I left, I missed it," he said.
In the following days, Phuc's work was affected. He slept late, did not want to meet friends, and often sat in front of the computer but was not focused.
He called home a few times, but the conversation was usually very short. Both sides seemed to avoid mentioning the events that had happened during the trip home.
The more silent Phuc was, the more embarrassed he felt. He once thought about reducing the number of times he went home to avoid arguments. But after a few months without going home, he himself missed home.
“Sometimes I think, maybe just stay in the city, don't come back anymore. But thinking about not seeing my parents all year, I can't stand it either,” Phuc said.
Phuc is stuck between two choices that both make him uncomfortable: going home is stressful, staying in the city is homesick.
You haven't found a complete solution yet.
The next returns to his hometown were therefore still a loop. Before leaving, Phuc was excited. Staying at home for a few days, he began to feel suffocated. When he returned to Ho Chi Minh City, he took a few more days to calm down.
Perhaps the most difficult thing is not choosing to go home or not to go home. But I don't know how to tell my parents to understand that I am also trying to live my life," Phuc said.
And that is the question Phuc still carries after each trip away from his hometown: how to go home without seeing himself returning to an old life, but also without turning his back on his family?
