Living together is easy to argue about small things
When living with parents-in-law, differences in lifestyle, housework, finances or childcare can become the cause of marital conflicts. From seemingly trivial matters, many couples gradually fall into harsh arguments, even facing pressure to choose between their partner and family.
Ms. Hoang Ngoc Linh (Hanoi, character name has been changed) said that in the early days of living with her parents-in-law, she thought that as long as everyone yielded to each other, they could be harmonious. However, differences in daily life gradually caused her and her husband to argue frequently.
There are things that I think are very normal, but my parents-in-law have a different view. When I give advice, my husband thinks I am difficult, and when I remain silent, the frustrations accumulate," Ms. Ngoc Linh said.
According to Ms. Linh, housework is one of the reasons why marital conflicts become intense.
I work all day but still have to worry about many things when I get home. Sometimes I feel like I am doing both my part of the job and the part that people naturally think my daughter-in-law has to do. When I talk to my husband, he says that parents are old, so they must sympathize," Ms. Linh shared.
Mr. Nguyen Minh Anh (Tuyen Quang, character name has been changed) - who used to live with his wife's parents, also believes that many generations living in the same house easily create inevitable conflicts.
Each person has their own way of life. I want my wife and I to decide some things ourselves, but my parents want to give advice. Sometimes I don't know what to say so that my parents are not sad and my wife doesn't feel that I abandoned her," Mr. Minh Anh confided.
According to Mr. Minh Anh, if there is no consensus between husband and wife, conflicts can easily shift from parents' affairs to the affairs of the two people.
“Initially, it was just about eating, time, or how to take care of children. Then it became a matter of wife blaming husband for not protecting her, husband blaming wife for not respecting parents. Arguing many times, old stories are also brought up, making the problem even more serious,” Mr. Minh Anh said.
Principles to unify when living together
According to psychologist Hoang Anh - Voice of Therapist Office - before deciding to live together, couples need to agree on how to operate life instead of just discussing whether to live together or not. Before living together, husband and wife should agree on the following issues.
The first is private space, including the bedroom, private time and privacy of husband and wife. The second is housework. Couples need to determine who does what, how much support grandparents provide and what tasks are still the responsibility of husband and wife," psychologist Hoang Anh analyzed.
Regarding finance, psychologist Hoang Anh said that this is also an issue that needs to be clarified from the beginning.
Living expenses, each person's contribution level and which amounts need to be discussed with parents should be agreed upon in advance. The clearer it is, the more misunderstandings later will be limited," Ms. Hoang Anh said.
According to psychologist Hoang Anh, for families with young children, raising children needs clear boundaries. Grandparents can support, but parents need to agree on which decisions belong to them. This is not to limit the role of grandparents but to avoid the situation of too many people deciding on the same issue.
In addition, husband and wife also need to determine the right to decide in the family: Grandparents can give advice, but husband and wife need to agree on which issues can be consulted and which issues the two of them decide for themselves.
