The day Hoang - his 45-year-old son called to report the divorce, the 69-year-old mother did not ask too much. She only thought of one thing: her child is suffering and needs a place to return to. Hoang left home at the age of 23, got married, has two children and for more than 20 years has almost built his own life without having to rely on his parents. Even, he rarely returns home even though his parents' place is only a western district of Hanoi.
But after the broken marriage, he fell into crisis, having to sleep at a friend's house for many weeks. Then one day, he hesitated to ask his mother if he could return to live with her until he found a new apartment? The mother almost didn't need to think: "Our house is always open to welcome our children.
She cleaned up her child's old room, which had been used for many years to sew and store things. The cartons were moved, the bed sheets were replaced, and she even bought back the kind of fruit that her child used to like when he was young. When Hoang entered the house with two suitcases and a haggard face, she just wanted to hug her child, giving him the feeling that even though the marriage was over, there was still a place where he could be loved unconditionally.
The first months passed quite peacefully. Hoang went to work, occasionally picked up the children, and took the opportunity to find a house. His mother did not intervene too deeply. She cooked, the son sometimes went to the market to help his mother, and the two mothers and sons sometimes went out for dinner together. Everything was like a necessary stop for a man after a breakup to have time to regain balance.
But "temporary" is sometimes a very easy concept to prolong. It is worth mentioning that since returning home, Hoang seems to be no longer the man who used to be the pillar of the family, but suddenly turned back, becoming a young man.
He comes home from work with rice to eat, clothes are taken care of, the house always has someone waiting. Shoes are right at the door, a glass of water lies on the living room table, clothes are squeezed on the chair. Mother cooks rice then eats, if mother doesn't cook, she indifferently asks: "What should we eat today, Mom?". He doesn't intentionally become irresponsible. Perhaps he is just too used to being taken care of by his mother.
Until one morning, the mother saw a pair of pants, a t-shirt and socks thrown haphazardly by the chair. She quietly picked them up as she had done hundreds of times when her son was young. But after walking halfway up the stairs, she stopped. Hoang was 45 years old. She was 69 years old. And she realized she was doing the things she had done when her son was only 17 years old.
Family is still an important support when someone encounters an upheaval. For middle-aged people, after divorce, returning to their parents' house can significantly reduce pressure on accommodation, finances and spirit. If there are young children, grandparents can also support taking care of grandchildren. In many families, it is almost the most natural option: If the child encounters difficulties, parents pick them up.
But the older parents get, the greater the price of care. People in their 60s - 70s are no longer as healthy as before. They may need a private life, a private space and rest after decades of fulfilling the responsibility of raising children. When an adult child returns, parents sometimes have to start over with work that seemed to have ended many years ago.
It is worth mentioning that both sides may not realize that. The child thinks: "I'm in crisis, Mom will sympathize". Parents think: "You just went through something painful, help whatever you can" or "My child, no matter how old he is, is still my child". No one talks about limits, time or responsibility. Love is therefore prolonged, until one day very small things - a pile of clothes, an unannounced meal, a room not cleaned - become the cause of a rift.
The boundary between helping and doing is sometimes very fragile. A meal cooked by a mother can be love. But if the child naturally considers it the responsibility of the mother, that love will gradually become a burden. A room for the child's parents can be a shelter. But if the child does not plan to become independent again, that room may inadvertently become a place to delay starting a new life.
What middle-aged people need after divorce is not just a home. They need time to recover, but at the same time they also need to regain their self-determination and self-responsibility for their lives.
Therefore, returning to parents' house is not shameful. What is worth thinking about is how to return?
It may be a time to rest, stabilize work, solve post-divorce problems and regain balance. But from the beginning, two generations need to talk to each other about very practical things: How long to stay, how much to contribute, how to do housework, how to take care of children and when to start a separation plan.
Those agreements may sound dry at first glance, even unlike the way Vietnamese people usually behave in the family. But clarity can protect feelings. When everyone knows their limits, there will be less feeling of being exploited, being sacrificed too much or being abandoned.
That story evokes a very thoughtful thought for Vietnamese families whose children have grown up and returned after divorce: Don't confuse opening the door for children to return with keeping children forever.
After divorce, returning to parents can be a relief. But the best relief is not to make your life easy forever, but to give you a safe enough place to recover, and enough love for you to step out and rebuild your life.
And when the child can leave that house peacefully, and the parents can look after without remorse, then the return will truly have a beautiful ending.
