I told him that, in human relationships, most troubles do not start from big things. It originated from a small conflict, a misunderstanding, a misunderstanding. Those things alone are not enough to break the relationship. But our hasty reaction turned it into a real conflict.
When there is a problem, or when attacked, people often believe that they have to "do something immediately". It is a brain reflex - either re-pulling, or silently swallowing. But both ways are for others to keep in the rhythm. Immediate reactions can easily lead to escalation, while silence can forever turn to warmth and resentment. What we lack is the middle ground.
When we stretch the reaction, we start to clearly see the nature of the situation. Many arguments in the family, if left overnight, suddenly cool down. Many conflicts at work, if not rushed in, will expose the other party's mistake. The advantage of slowing down a beat is that we keep the right to choose how to react, instead of beingwhiny with emotions.
In society, people who know how to keep their own rhythm are often respected. They don't need to speak out much, but every time they speak, they are at the right time. Their words are more weighty because they don't waste them on small collisions. On the contrary, people are always flashy or always avoid it, and gradually lose value.
I told him: "A familiar example is the office. Some colleagues often like to attack. If you respond harshly immediately, the conflict will explode. If you keep quiet, they will be pushed to come. But if you wait for the group to witness how they repeat an disrespectful behavior, then choose the time to clearly respond, then you will not only lose your composure but also make the surrounding person recognize it.
The same goes in the family. A stubborn child sometimes needs to let him say everything before choosing the words afterwards. Arguing with children while they are hot is no different from adding oil to the fire. But if you endure it every time, you lose your role as a guide. The balance is to let his emotions pass, then make a decision.
The most important thing is to understand that handling is not a win- loss game. It is the art of regulating energy. The smart person is like a musician: Know when to stop, when to spend a long time. If played continuously from start to finish, the music would become meaninglessly noisy. Like that, if you keep reacting, any relationship will eventually break up.
But don't confuse silence as the default solution. There are times when silence is an accomplice. When witnessing injustice, when seeing others being oppressed, or when core values are violated, then speaking up becomes necessary. One word at the right time can prevent a chain of mistakes behind.
It turns out that the value of a person is not measured by the number of times they win an argument, but by how they maintain a long-term relationship after hundreds of small conflicts. The most respected person is not the one who is loud or quiet, but the one who knows how to read the rhythm of the situation and master his own rhythm.
