Arguing is inevitable in marriage. However, it is the way the couple face and handle conflicts that determines the sustainability of the relationship.
Here are 5 things to ban in couple arguments, along with solutions to help dialogue become more positive.
S qualifying, defaming the other person
offending, criticizing or insulting during an argument is an act that causes deep damage. Dr. John Gottman - a famous American marriage research expert - called "dysticism" the most dangerous factor leading to divorce.
Actions such as criticizing ability, defaming, being wonky or mocking the other person all show disrespect. Once self-respect is trampled, it is difficult for a relationship to recover, according to The Gottman Institute.
Solution: Instead of blaming, share personal feelings in a specific way. For example: instead of You are useless, say I feel pressured to do everything alone. This way of speaking helps the other person understand you without feeling attacked.
Repeat the old story
Repeating past mistakes in controversy is a common mistake. It makes the conversation lose direction, shifting from problem-solving to persistent confrontation. According to Ms. Susan Heitler, PhD - psychologist in Colorado (USA), this has caused both of them to stop listening to each other and only focus on refuting or trying to argue with their partner.
Solution: Focus only on the present problem. If you have old wounds that have not healed, choose a more calm time to look back positively, instead of letting the past dominate current emotions.
Silence to punish
Cold War Total silence to express anger is a form of emotional withdrawal that can deeply hurt. According to The Gottman Institute, this behavior is a sign that the person is disconnecting from the relationship, at least temporarily. The silent person will feel rejected, not listened to, and gradually lose a sense of security in their relationship.
Solution: If you are feeling too stressed, say frankly: "I/she is not calm enough, let's stop for a moment and we will talk again after about 30 minutes". This transparency helps maintain connections and avoid misunderstandings that you are punishing the other person.
Threatening divorce, breakup
When the conflict reached its peak, some people chose to leave threatening words such as: "let's be different!", "I will leave"... Even though they said it in a fit, these words caused great damage. The threat of leaving erodes trust, making the other person feel pushed to the brink, and over time, a defensive, distant mentality will form.
Solution: Instead of threatening, turn your emotions into your desires: I dont want to continue living in this atmosphere. I need to find a way to improve so that both of us can breathe easier. This statement opens up the possibility of dialogue instead of closing the door of connection.
Stand in front of your children
Many parents think that their children do not understand anything, so arguing in front of them is harmless. In fact, studies by the American Psychological Association (APA) show that children who witness their parents arguing frequently will be seriously affected psychologically: anxiety, insomnia, disorderly behavior, and even form a distorted view of love - marriage as adults.
Solution: If a conflict arises, try to stay calm and postpone the debate until the child is absent. tell your child in a gentle voice: "Parents need to talk to me for a little privacy." That helps children not feel drawn into, while creating a sense of security in their own home.
