Knowing I have money, he asks again
On the 5th day of each month, Ms. Hanh, 67 years old, in Hanoi, often goes to an ATM to withdraw a portion of her pension. Previously, she did not hide how much money she received. For more than a year now, if her son asks "Have you received it this month?", she often replies: "Haven't seen you come home yet".
Actually, the money is already in the account.
She started to lie after many times her 36-year-old son asked to borrow money. Sometimes 5 million VND to exchange for a phone, sometimes 8 million VND because "this month spent too much", sometimes more than ten million VND to pay off a credit card debt.
The first times, she gave them all.
I thought if my child was a little short, my parents would help. But later, whenever he knew I had money, he would ask," she recounted.
Once, just after receiving her pension in the morning, in the afternoon her son called to ask to borrow 7 million VND. She had not had time to go to the market, had not paid for electricity and water, but had to calculate how much she would have had left in that month if she had given her child.
From that day on, she changed her bank application password and did not say the retirement date anymore.
Ms. Hanh was not the only one who chose to hide the money.
Mr. Vinh, 71 years old, in Hai Phong, has a pension and a small savings after more than 40 years of working. His daughter has her own family but occasionally asks to borrow money to buy supplies, travel or compensate for months of overspending.
He once lent 20 million VND. His daughter promised to repay it in two months, but it took almost a year to send back half. He did not urge her. But from then on, whenever his daughter asked "Dad, do you still have savings?", he would always answer: "How much is there in old age?".
In fact, he still has a reserve.
It's not that I regret my child. I'm just afraid I'll give it all, and when I'm in the hospital, I have to turn to ask him," he said.
The difficulty for Mr. Vinh is that the more he loves his son, the harder it is for him to say directly that he does not want to lend. Refusing makes him feel like a calculating father. Borrowing is anxious because that is the money he spends for years when he no longer has the ability to earn more.
In the end, he chose to make his son believe that his father did not have much money.
Parents' money is not an "empty item
Both families have one thing in common: Fathers and mothers do not want to abandon their children when they are in difficulty. What makes them change is when the money for old age is gradually seen as a source that can be borrowed whenever there is a shortage.
For retirees, money still in the account does not mean idle money.
That could be money for medicine, hospital fees, house repairs, funerals, visiting relatives or simply a contingency fund so that they do not have to depend on their children when their health weakens.
According to psychologists, parents often find it very difficult to refuse when their children ask to borrow money because in family relationships, supporting children is easily seen as part of a long-term responsibility even when children are grown up. Feeling sorry for their children, fearing their difficulties or worrying about being considered calculating makes many people continue to give money even though they are not really comfortable.
The problem arises when support is repeated too many times. If there is always a shortage of money, it is compensated by parents, the child may gradually get used to always having a backup source behind. At that time, the loan will no longer only solve a difficult situation but may inadvertently reduce the motivation to adjust spending habits.
According to this explanation, parents hiding their pensions can be seen as a way to protect themselves when they are not comfortable enough to set direct boundaries.
However, this avoidance method only solves immediate pressure. When one side has to hide money while the other side constantly inquires, the relationship easily shifts from support to prevention. Parents worry that their children know they have money, and the child may feel that parents do not trust or intentionally keep the property.
Experts believe that a healthier boundary lies in clearly separating parental care money and financial responsibility of adult children. Parents can pre-determine a mandatory amount for living, health and prevention; the rest is considered for support when really necessary.
If lending, both parties should also clearly state whether it is a loan or a grant, the repayment time and the support limit. Especially, for loans intended to compensate for personal consumption, refusal is sometimes more necessary than continuing to give money just to avoid a difficult conversation.
