When a mother is not given good mental health care, it is that hurt that will silently impress the way she feels about herself and the world.
The pain of mothers does not stop at the past
Ms. Nguyen Thi Thuy (An Giang) recalled the day she sat motionless in front of her son's closed door. The eldest daughter left home after a fierce fight, while the youngest son took sides and avoided his mother. For the first time in her life, she realized that she had become a mother that she never wanted to become: angry, judgmental and always wanted to control.
Her story began many years ago, when she was 5 years old and had to live away from her mother. When she took a step back, her father almost disappeared in her memory, while she grew up in the harshness of her brother - who also suffered many disadvantages when shouldering the responsibility of both her father and mother to take care of her younger sister. The punches, unreasonable requests, the heavy water carrying to the point of weakness in the shoulders, all created "smerited memories" that accompanied her until adulthood.
No one teaches her to be strong, but circumstances require it. No one taught her to be loved, but deep down she wanted that more than anything.
And when she became a mother, she took on those same damages to raise her children. She was strict, because no one had been gentle with her before. She controls, because deep down is the fear of abandonment. I want my child to be good at being strong, because I need him to prove a value that I have never been recognized for.
It was only when her son dropped out of college and left home that she was shocked to realize that the problem was not children. The problem lies in the harmed child within him the child who has never been healed.
Ms. Thuy's story is no exception. In addition, there are millions of mothers who are also living with unnamed memories: being compared, being abandoned, being loved with conditions... and the things they have not received are being unconsciously repeated to their children.
Healing for mothers is giving children a spiritual armor
When analyzing Ms. Thuy's case, Ths Nguyen Thi Lanh - a psychologist shared: "We have become our own version today not from the present, but from memories formed in the past. A mother who has never been fully loved will find it difficult to teach her children about love. An unrespected mother will find it difficult to teach her children about their self-worth. Therefore, the journey of becoming a mother always begins with returning to heal yourself.
According to expert Nguyen Thi Lanh, women's hurt often does not appear right in marriage or when giving birth - but has been formed since childhood: the times of comparison, things that have never been heard, the hurt that is ignored, or the feeling of "I have to try to be loved". When entering marriage and raising children, those wounds are activated, making mothers easily angry, easily self-blame, and easily feel not good enough.
No mother wants to hurt her child, said Ms. Lanh. But when they themselves do not have enough peace, they will accidentally pass on their children their own anxiety and instability. Therefore, taking care of the mother's mental health is not a popular choice, but a foundation to nurture a healthy child.
Ms. Nguyen Thi Lanh said that the way to take care of your mental health is not simply to go beauty pageants or shop for yourself. Improving mental health is returning to identify the wounds in oneself, is nurturing oneself authentically, is learning to talk to emotions, is knowing that one deserves peace and love. When mothers realize their true value, they will no longer impos it on their children, and will not try to prove anything through them.
An emotionally mature mother will nurture a child with a strong inner heart. A mother who knows how to heal will teach her children to love. A mother who knows how to get inside will help her children know how to connect with themselves. Therefore, maintaining the mental health of mothers is the key to building a solid foundation for children.
Psychologist Nguyen Thi Lanh emphasized that in the journey of raising children, the most important thing is the maturity of parents, then comes the raising of children.
