Children's reactions when parents have someone new may stem from psychological insecurity and fear of sharing love with someone else.
Divorced for 5 years, Ms. Mai Anh (38 years old, Hanoi) started to find a new person. However, since knowing that she was starting a new relationship, her 9-year-old son, who was quite emotional, suddenly became irritable. He didn't want his mother to answer the phone, was uncomfortable every time his mother went out and constantly asked if that man would come to the house or not?
Behind those seemingly selfish actions, Ms. Mai Anh realized that what her child was really afraid of was not the appearance of a man, but the risk of losing the love that had long been only for her. "Once my child asked directly: If you get married, do you still love me the most? At that time I understood that my child was very uneasy. I told my child that if you love someone, the love for you will decrease. You are always my child and that no one can replace you," Ms. Mai Anh recounted.
Instead of asking her child to accept immediately, she chooses to give her child time. Meetings take place gradually, without forcing children to call on a friendly title or express feelings when they are not ready. She also maintains private moments between mother and child so that the child feels that their position is still guaranteed.
Ms. Mai Anh also believes that the negative reaction of children in this situation is completely understandable. Children may still hope for parents to reunite, or worry that a new family will change what is already familiar. Therefore, what children need first is a sense of security.
When the initial reactions gradually turn into obstruction, adults need to set boundaries so that children understand that they have the right to express emotions but do not have the right to control their parents' emotional choices.
Mr. Vu Hoang Nam (42 years old, Ho Chi Minh City) once fell into the opposite situation. Because he loved his daughter and felt guilty after the divorce, he conceded many times when his daughter objected to having a girlfriend. Initially, because of the feeling of guilt after the divorce, he almost followed all of his daughter's requests. But the more he conceded, the more he realized that what his daughter needed was not control of her life, but assurance that even if the father had a new relationship, the feelings and responsibilities for her would not change.
After that, the two fathers and sons agreed on some principles, for example, the child has the right to express emotions, has the right not to be close to a new person but does not use offensive words or make a request to force the father to end the relationship. On the contrary, Mr. Nam does not force the child to interact too quickly and always keeps commitments about time spent for the child.
This is also an important boundary in families after divorce: Children have the right to have emotions, but adults are still responsible for adults' decisions. Those emotions need to be listened to, but listening does not mean that parents have to ask their children to "allow" them to love someone else.
In the opposite direction, parents' personal freedom cannot become a reason to ignore emotions, safety or responsibility to their children. New people need to be introduced appropriately for the age and willingness of children; especially, children should not be dragged into adult emotional conflicts or forced to choose who to side with.
The important thing is to help children understand that love is not a pie that is shared with one person, then the other person will be less. Parents can find new happiness, while still loving and fulfilling their responsibilities to their children. And perhaps, that is also the first lesson of maturity for children: Loving someone does not mean owning their life; even in the family, love always needs to go hand in hand with respect and boundaries.
