The reason is that you choose the wrong way to open the deal.
We grow up not being taught how to name emotions, nor being used to expressing our own needs without making others feel criticized. In many relationships, what hurts each other is not maliciousness, but an inadequate way of speaking.
But there is still a way to say it without hurting anyone, including yourself.
How can listeners not react defensively anymore, and speakers no longer feel the need to "fight" to understand?
It turns out not too complicated. The first step was to clarify what was happening, but not take a hat. Don't say "I'm so heartless", after hearing that line, everyone will be upset. Just say the truth: "I came home late today without texting". A simple sentence, no culpation, no bitterness, but still enough for the other person to realize that something is not right for you.
The second step is to express real emotions, but it must be real emotions, not just a judgment. Don't say "I feel disrespected", that sentence seems like sharing, but in fact, you are putting the responsibility on the other person. Try saying this: "I feel a little sad and sad". A very light sentence can easily make people stop and listen, because you are talking about yourself, not judging anyone.
Step three is to say what you need. It's not " let me know what you want", but "I need to feel a little bit of attention". When you express your needs, the other person has the opportunity to understand and respond, not just stand there and endure a vague judgment.
And finally, the fourth step: Clearly state what you expect people to do, the more specific the better. Instead of saying " let's change", but trying to ask: "If I'm late next time, can I text you a question?" A gentle request can be made and after being listened to, people don't feel wrong or controlled.
When you combine all four, the message will become clear without pain, direct without attack.
This way of speaking is not just for love. At work, you can also apply. When colleagues send documents late for meeting time, instead of blaming: "What kind of food is that?", you can say: "This morning I sent a slide 5 minutes before meeting time, I was a bit confused because I couldn't prepare in time. I'm sure if I can send at least half a session in advance in the future?" This statement does not make others lose sight, but it is still enough to set a clear line and expectations.
Solving conflicts in the family or office has never been easy but it is not too difficult.In fact, many times people do not try to hurt each other.It's just that no one knows how to say it properly.
And sometimes, just changing one way of speaking, the way of living together will be different.As the ancients taught: Words are free to buy.Choose words to please each other.
