I know many women when they get old often have a very personal worry: Afraid of spending money on themselves. Some people have regular pensions, their children have grown up, their families are not too difficult, but every time they intend to buy a small item or go to a hair salon, they still hesitate as if they are spending a very large amount.
My mother is such a person.
My mother is 68 years old this year, living alone since her father passed away. My two siblings and I have both married, living not too far from my mother's house, so we still take turns visiting on weekends. Every month my mother has a pension, enough to cover basic needs. For large expenses such as medical examination and treatment, house repair or buying supplies, the children proactively support.
But my mother almost never wants us to spend money. My mother lives very frugally. Breakfast is usually just a bowl of cold rice or a sweet potato. Old clothes are still worn even though they are worn out. Once, my sandals in the house broke down, I bought new ones, my mother was still sorry because she thought old ones could still be repaired.
I used to think that was the personality of the mother generation. Older people have gone through years of hardship, so they always have a mentality of saving, in case of illness or unexpected events.
Until one time I came home in the morning and saw my mother's hair was already gray, slightly greasy because she hadn't washed it for several days.
I invited my mother to go to a shop near my house to wash her hair. My mother immediately refused even though she was in a headache and it was very difficult to bend forward. I asked for a long time and learned that my mother was hesitant to spend 35,000 VND for one wash. That number is very small to me, but for my mother it is an expense that she has to consider.
I suddenly realized that my mother didn't lack money to the point of not being able to wash her hair. What my mother lacked was probably the feeling of being allowed to spend money on herself.
Throughout her life, mother was used to spending money for her husband, for her children, for the family. When we were young, mother bought books for her children first and then thought about herself. When her father was sick, mother also prioritized medicine. By the time she retired, that habit had not changed.
But old age does not only need money for disease prevention or savings for the future. Older people also need very small expenses to make life more comfortable: a meal they like, a set of clothes they like, a hair wash, a cup of coffee with an old friend or a short trip with children and grandchildren.
After that day, I didn't give my mother money for her to spend separately. I just said that the pension was first of all the result of a lifetime of work, and my mother had the right to use it for her life.
I also started to change my way of caring. Instead of regularly buying things for my mother, I asked my mother what she wanted to buy, where she wanted to go, what she wanted to do. There are very small things that make my mother happier than I thought.
A few months later, my mother took the initiative to go to the hair salon every week. She also bought a new pair of sandals and a shirt that she would definitely not buy before. Watching my mother happily walk out of the store, I understood that saving is not always a good thing.
In old age, having a reserve amount is necessary. But if you are afraid of the future and do not dare to live for the present, that amount of money sometimes becomes something that makes people miss very simple joys.
Perhaps what children need to do is not to advise parents to spend a lot of money, but to help them understand that after a lifetime of sacrifice, they also deserve to be cared for and enjoy small things with the money they earn.
