Recently, the story of a mother-in-law insulting her daughter-in-law who had just given birth 10 days ago, calmly defending her son's adultery, has been widely shared on social networks.
Harmful mother-in-law
On his personal page, "Anh Chanh Van" - writer Hoang Anh Tu expressed his views on the mother-in-law - daughter-in-law relationship amidst the story that is causing a storm across platforms.
In the past, many mothers-in-law often used the excuse of "considering daughters-in-law as their own children" to put themselves in the absolutely correct position of superiors, while listeners, daughters-in-law, were deprived of the right to argue, forced to accept hurt as a duty of gratitude.
Many mothers-in-law use care such as boiling water and cooking rice to justify and refute when their daughters-in-law speak out about mental harm. According to writer Hoang Anh Tu, this way of thinking is extremely toxic: considering sacrifice as a license to insult others.
For these mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law are not adult women but those who need to be corrected, with sarcastic words and attitudes, eroding self-esteem over the years.
Writer Hoang Anh Tu added: "Ladies often use physical care (bowl of water, rice pot) as a shield to cover up mental violence. This way of thinking is extremely toxic. It means: "I have worked hard for you, so I have the right to insult you".
The most frightening thing is when the daughter-in-law is in the postpartum stage - when both physical and mental health are fragile. At that time, words of "teaching" disguised as love can easily become deep hurt.
The husband's silence and the way he lowered his dignity in the name of family affection made the house, which should have been a safe place, become the most dangerous place.
Men cannot be their own...
The saying "Men cannot be their own..." causes outrage not only because of defending wrongdoings, but because it exposes a lifelong tragedy of a part of women when they become mothers-in-law.
The mother-in-law was also a victim of patriarchy and betrayal, but instead of ending the cycle of suffering, she legitimized it.
According to writer Hoang Anh Tu's analysis, in the mother-in-law's belief, patience is a forced fate of women: if one has endured, others must also endure. Admitting her son's mistake means having to face the truth that her whole life of endurance is an unnecessary pain.
Therefore, she chose to turn betrayal into "common sense", forcing her daughter-in-law to accept to patch up her never-healed wound.
Writer Hoang Anh Tu added about how the "poisonous mother-in-law" faces the affair of her son's adultery being exposed.
The writer said: "When sons are wrong, harmful mothers-in-law do not ask their children what they have done wrong, but turn to question their daughters-in-law: "What did you do to make her go out?".
That cover-up does not come from too much love, but from a very deep fear: Fear of losing a son. Fear of my son being judged by society. Fear of having to admit that I failed in educating him to become a decent man.
Harmful mothers-in-law often believe that they are the ones who suffer the most and sacrifice the most.
They think they are protecting the family line. But the irony is that, in such families, the most expensive payer is never just one person. And the final payer, painfully, is often that mother," the writer expressed his opinion.
In conclusion, "Anh Chanh Van" believes that the right way to be a mother is to teach children to be decent enough to know how to take responsibility, mature enough not to need a mother standing in the middle of their marriage.
