Recently, I met him again and saw him looking young, his face radiant, and a source of positive energy. ask: "Do you have a new love, a new job?". He said: "No. Everything is old, only my way of looking at what happens in life is different.
He seems to have decoded the problem: One of the most important psychological metabolizes in the journey of maturity is realizing: I cant control much of what happens in life but cant control how I react to them. This is not a consoling or defensive mindset. It is a life design skill: Take uncertain materials from life and reshape them in a beneficial way.
Psychology shows that the difference lies in control position. Immatures try to intervene in the results - they get angry when it rains, get angry when colleagues are bad, suffer when no one understands them. Developers don't do that. They don't ask "Why is this happening to me?", but ask "Now that this happened, what should I do next?". The second question is one that can change the outcome.
A familiar example is when a work colleague is scolded publicly by his boss in the middle of a meeting. The first reaction is very natural and emotional, it is hurt, angry, and ashamed. If that person does not control their reaction, they will "explode", quit their jobs, or silently create resentment. But if they are alert enough, they will separate being scolded by their boss from reacting. Simply keep quiet to observe, ask again to understand the reason, or save to choose the right time to respond strategically. Obviously, an event with at least two branches of reaction leads to two completely different outcomes.
This skill is even more important when we enter an environment with many variables: Starting a startup, raising children, facing illness, or any situation that we do not have to rely on. When we try to control everything, we are soon exhausted by constant disappointment. But when we focus resources on practicing reactions, we start to control ourselves and thereby indirectly change our lives.
He said: "This is not a matter of giving up or being humiliated. In other words, instead of trying to adjust the weather, I learned to wear a raincoat. Instead of asking others to understand me, I learn to communicate to make it easier for people to understand me. Instead of being upset because the deadline is approaching, I learn to divide work and manage emotions every hour that passes. In a world with so much instability, true freedom lies in: Am I still motivated by emotions or have I learned to choose the right reaction?".
So, if anything, when he had controlled his emotions, he had "adult". He smiled and said: I am not broken but am continuing to mature. Some people live almost all their lives and discover that they are not mature. But I think it's never too late."
People who react well are not because they are insensitive, but because they do not let emotions guide them. And when someone starts to see events as input, especially with incidents with negative impacts and their own reactions as output, people will no longer see themselves as victims of life. Everyone can rewrite code for their system. And it is from a small, little control point that each person's future is being re-written, in a better way.
